Your Manual Sir

You're suffering from a "backlog" of sperm and probably aren't masturbating enough. If it's not convenient to go to the toilets for a quick "power wank" I suggest you try drugs instead - a gram or two of speed should quel that erection until you get home.

I suffer a similar affliction - I'm shit at my job too! My best advice is to continue browsing the web but always keep a half-written report close at hand that you can fall back on if your manager questions your output. Should you ever find yourself in the the nightmare scenario that "no internet access at work" is, then several power-wanks in the staff toilets can quickly make the day go by.

One word of caution - don't apply for another job based on what your CV claims you do in your current job. Most companies have a three month trial period and in that time they're bound to realise that you're a waste of time and space, whereas you're obviously getting away with it at the moment.

No, it was only remastered to Dolby Digital in 2000, the theatrical release was Pro Logic. Also, you should go for a power-wank in the staff toilets.

You've come to the right person Fionn. Whilst I disapprove of religion I approve of fanaticism so my best advice is to join a cult and have numerous power-wanks or combine the two and remain Catholic.

Ah! A two-parter - you're a shrewd man Arfur and really get your moneys worth!

With regards to "Spelling Police" - some people can't tell the difference between bad spelling and lazy spelling. You're a bad speller Arfur and that’s never going to change so people pick on it. Some people post on this forum who are perfectly capable of writing clear and concise posts but choose not to because they're lazy fuckers - you are not one of these people. Accept your lack of English skills and enjoy the fact that it distracts people from your other deficiencies such as your frighteningly ugly face or the fact that you're a cunt.

Your Mrs does like "Brown love" but not with you, mainly for the reasons I've described above. You could however try getting her really drunk or wearing a "Neversoft mask" which is available from the merchandising arm of VCDQ. If your efforts fail, you could always have a power-wank.

Three questions you greedy bastard? Oh Lordy!!

Yes, you can ask multiple questions but I may not answer them all.

I have no idea when you will die but I sincerely hope it will be from something degenerative, crippling and carries a lot of stigma... Such as leprosy. Alternatively, you could choose your time of death - I look forward to your questions regarding suicide methods.

Laid again? You have a French accent so your best bet is to travel outside of France 'cos chicks dig the accent. You may have to take extra measures to guarantee success though such as covering your face and wearing less garish colours (real men don't wear lime or burgundy denim).

$$$

Yes, you made classic mistake of making the office smell like warm cat food. Next time you flick the bean, wash your hands and "grumble" afterwards.

If you believe evolution: The egg. If you believe religious nutters: Jesus!

People are getting fatter because their arseholes are smaller than their mouths and there's a bottleneck as a result. The solution is: bigger arseholes!

Now

Of course, it's so simple..... I've never met a fat gay bloke!

edit: actually, although I've not met them.... there's Russell Grant and Elton John to name a couple so there must be additional factors in play. Perhaps the high calorie count of sperm?

People are happier when they're oppressed. Humans are greedy by nature so if they have a little freedom, they want a lot of it. The simplest way to alleviate this is to take away people's freedom and substitute it with right-wing propaganda and the occasional state-sponsored beating.

You should however, fight for your right to have power-wanks in the workplace.

Is there a cracked version of Pro Tools that will run on Windows XP without Digidesign hardware?

Edit - I suppose the question should be, how the fuck can I run the AudioSuite plugin I downloaded?

Not really, just keep it to yourself. It's understandable, your mother and sister are seriously hot!

Having sexual desires for an animated character is perfectly normal and part of being a healthy human. Personally I like to have a power-wank to Blues Clues and Backyardigans but Dora is a horny little slut too.

With regards to the 20-something bird who plays the live-action Dora, she's actually a hermaphrodite so be warned!

You have a deep-rooted problem with insecurity in the real world Candy and the only way your psyche has to deal with this is to make yourself feel superior from time-to-time - visiting this site and reading a few posts suits your needs perfectly.

It's also probably the only thing that distracts you from power-wanking.

1. Hair grows at roughly .44mm per day so use this equation... (desired hair length in mm - current length of hair in mm) / 0.44 = number of days of growing remaining

2. 7" is reasonably large without being excessive. Put it this way, would you like to be penetrated by a cock that big? You're not a porn star and probably never will be!

3. Insurance is for pussies. I don't drive but if I did I certainly wouldn't crash the fucker like some woman. Be a man for fucks sake!!

4. 10% (or something like that) of the population are gay but considering your "personality" I doubt you have that many friends so in your case, I reckon you're safe.

5. No, eventually you'll get bored with it and join the population... We all do

6. Personally I think Coldplay make depressing, whiney and shit music but I can understand that some people like them... I call those people "The 10%"

With pleasure...